One of the hardest truths to name is that sexual abuse does not always look like what people expect. It is not always violent in the way movies portray it, and it does not always happen outside of a relationship. Sometimes it happens in the quietest moments, between people who are supposed to know and care for each other. It’s found when one person’s boundaries are treated as obstacles instead of truths. That is what makes coercion so painful and so confusing: it can hide behind love and the dangerous belief that being in a relationship means access is owed. But consent is never something a person loses because they are partnered or attempting to keep “peace”.

For example, imagine a woman who has spent the day working, managing responsibilities at home, and looking forward to rest. When she says no to intimacy, her boundary is not respected. Instead, she is met with repeated pleading and emotional pressure designed to make her feel responsible for the other person’s frustration. Over time, this kind of treatment can condition someone that saying no will lead to potential escalation and conflict so they stop resisting to keep the peace. That is what makes coercive control so damaging. When consent is undermined not always through force, but through persistent pressure and emotional consequences.

Resistance has historically been framed as a contradiction for women. On one hand, many are taught to guard their “purity” against unwanted advances; on the other, they are labeled difficult or teasing if they do not comply with expectations placed on their bodies. Women are often put in the impossible position of negotiating for peace in their relationships, as though they are responsible for managing someone else’s desires and to keep their partner from straying. These messages do not create healthy intimacy—they create confusion about what a person is truly allowed to say no to. Consent must be freely given, informed, ongoing, and reversible.

What is Consent?

It is a clear, voluntary, and ongoing agreement to participate in something. When someone gives their consent they are acknowledging they understand what is expected of them and actively wants what is happening with the knowledge and freedom to stop at any time. Most importantly it’s ongoing and reversible meaning they can revoke it at any time regardless of their willingness prior.

Consent is mutually exclusive, meaning both parties take an active part in paying attention to each other’s comfort level. Verbal consent is not enough. Each party should be aware of discomfort and agitation that read opposite to what is being said at the time and inquire. Why is this important?

There are conditions individuals can be under that cause them to agree to terms against their will out of pressure, fear, or not having full awareness of the situation. If someone is under the influence of a substance, or the power dynamic is uneven between two people then someone might feel they have no agency or control to say “no” so they will submit regardless of what they truly want.

It’s important to remember that consent is not

• Silence
• Given after repeated pressure
• Compliance from fear
• Assumed role in a relationship
• Holding the expectation from a past “yes”

It’s not enough to account for the sexual health and wellbeing of oneself but of each partner they engage in as well. The breakdown of someone else’s boundaries and free will can do irrevocable harm on their sense of trust in their partner and in themselves. Sexual pleasure cannot override the safety of another person regardless of the frustration that might occur from being rejected.

So how can partners protect one another and show that they are safe, respectful people in practice?

One of the clearest ways to ensure consent and boundaries are being honored is through open communication. That means talking honestly before, during, and after intimate situations about comfort levels, expectations, concerns, and limits. Open communication is not a one-time conversation; it is a habit of asking, listening, and responding without defensiveness. It also means making room for hesitation, uncertainty, or a change of mind without punishment. When people know they can speak openly and be taken seriously and trust becomes possible.

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